Die Another Day: Review ~ Darkstar Industries Presents:

Have you ever been the witness of something terrible? A car crash? Train side mutilation, where some poor fuckers head has caught the side of the first carriage and popped like a ripe zit? Or someone eating human shit? It’s the most disgusting thing, but you still watch, you still cannot remove your eyes from it and you know it’s doing you irreparable psychological damage but still you look.

For the idiots out there.

I had this with Die Another Day. Now you may be thinking this came out years ago and there have been 2 Bond movies since. But since I only saw it this week I think it’s the only time to review it.

Should of turned off at this point.

Those bollock jugglers at MGM decided to give Mr Brosnan his final outing in true Bond style. That is, to let someone who has watched the original series of Batman with Adam West, steal ideas from it and come up with the action scenes. It has all the charm and wit of that series (and we all know deep down that it was horrendous turgid eye-shit).

But let’s not rule out Bond just yet.
Bond tries to bring down a bad guy and in doing so is captured and tortured by the enemy for a long time blah blah, the passage of time is shown by him growing a beard and looking like someone you would see eating crisps off the floor of a bus. He then is traded for another bad guy and is then accused of leaking government secrets under torture. All boring and still doesn’t give me an erection.

Don’t fuck with him. He’s hairy.

Upon his return, he sets out on a mission to bring down the enemy he thought he previously killed, which has now changed himself with the slight tweaking of his DNA, to look, sound and indeed act like a typical British arsehole. His new persona has overdosed on swagger and chews up every scene he is in, but I digress.

Along the way, Bond meets various ladies with whom he will certainly be, how I can put it, hanging out of by the end of the film. Quite a low body count this time, only sleeps with 2 women. Then again his other choices are Judy Dench, whom let’s face it, you wouldn’t shag unless you had a thing for leather handbags and Madonna, and we have ALL seen more than enough of her minge thank you very much. Poor James.

Bond and super “actress” Madonna. I also hear she makes music.

The usual suspects are in place. Gadgets so ludicrous that it makes your eyes water, over the top music which actually drowns out some of the “action” and the Bond one liners, which are brain breakinly bad this time around.

Yet still no MP3 support. Fuck you Q, fuck you.

To use an analogy, imagine a large bucket, no, bin, NO toilet. The director, writers and producers come into the toilet and one by one take a crap in it, labelling each turd. Each lump of Brosnan, sorry, faeces represents something the movie could have done without. But the toilet now starts to overflow, MGM start to curl one out too, ITS CHAOS. In the end you have a room saturated in shit. It’s everywhere.

The film is god awful, with action scenes so far-fetched that any hint of realism is bummed into next week. Invisible cars, satellites in space which fire out beams, an ice palace and not to mention a final scene involving a doomed plane which is so outrageous it just makes me want to explode with fury.

Its an invisible car. Its a fucking invisible car. GTFO

What the hell is he doing in this movie? Has life really got that bad for him?

Halle Berry makes an appearance but only to show off her killer body (and to be fair, it truly is), her acting is, shall we say kindly, poor, but as acting talent in the film goes its Oscar worthy. Best supporting blow job. Well she does bed Mr Bond 5 minutes after meeting him, slag.

Oh come on, has to be done.

This was, like Batman & Robin, the film which put the final nail in for this franchise and showed that people were more intelligent than MGM thought and we actually wanted a movie which didn’t blow in every department. Casino Royale is still a great movie but put side by side to this, its 2 hours of pure liquid WIN.

To conclude this review which isn’t really even a review, I would like to add that if you have some time to spare one evening and want to do what I do and spend the whole movie picking holes in it and laughing at it to the frustration of your girlfriend (and running at just over 2 hours I feel that every DVD sale should come with its own syringe of heroin) then by all means watch it. But don’t buy it, ever. Unless you’re one of these “has to have the whole collection” types.

I give this film 0 out of 5. Harsh, but fair. Avoid

Here is my gallery of Bond Best Bits. Enjoy