Some films are the true stuff of legend. Others reside in the bargain bins of life (usually staring Steven Seagal or Mr Van Damme). However back in the late 80’s, a film was created to truly test those tried and tested theories.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, He-Man & the Masters of the Universe! TADA!!
Ok let’s cut the crap. This film blows. But it’s so bad, it’s really good.
The story, and I use that word loosely, resides around our main heroes. Boo hiss, Skeletor has taken it upon himself to be evil and stuff and enslave the people of Eternia. For, well, eternity. But not before a midget in a rubber mask (Gwildor, seen below) invents some machine thingy. This allows people to travel all over the galaxy, and Skeletor of course, wants this baby for himself.
This film stars Dolph Lundgren, a muscle-bound, greased up blonde playing the lead role as He-Man. Proving that you don’t need anything to play the cartoon character apart from pecks and oil.
The film also stars Frank Langella, yes from Frost/Nixon, amazing isn’t it? I bet this film isn’t on his CV. Surprised he doesn’t file an injunction at the imdb just in case either.
Also you have Tom Paris from Star Trek Voyager, Monica from Friends and Steve Tyler from Aerosmith as the quirky Gwildor. The story is thus, Steve, sorry Gwildor makes a cosmic key which allows him to jump to different times/worlds/concerts. This or course gives Skeletor a serious boner (see what I did there?) and wants the device for himself. He steals it but of course like any good inventor will tell you, always keep a prototype of your invention in case of hostile takeovers.
Steve Tyler in drag. Worth buying for that surely?
He-Man to the rescue, muscles shiny and nipples erect, he swings into action and rescues Gwildor but in doing so, he and his fellow chums, Teela and Man-At-Arms (one of the worst character names EVER!) are cornered and have to use the prototype to travel out to safety. In their haste they travel to earth, circa 1987. A fate truly worse than death surely? They soon encounter the joys of being an American in the 80’s. Casio Keyboards and fried chicken.
Sales slumped for Casio in this year because of He-Man.
Tom and Monica, young love trying to blossom but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of two little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Come on, we all know that.
teeheehee
They then save the day etc, defeat Skeletor etc etc and prove that true love conquers all etc etc. Still not as nauseating as High School Musical, (Disney’s views on family, love and friendship will make anyone want to cut out their own heart in protest) but it does grate.
So what’s right and wrong with it? To begin with you have He-Man. It’s He-Man for fuck sake. Just as homoerotic as Superman, if not more so and this isn’t helped but his constant need to have a greased up torso at all times. The mullet doesn’t help either Dolph.
“Wicktowy”
The characters themselves are also a little light of both screen presence and personality. Namely Man-At-Arms. Mr Arms strikes me as someone far too old to be any use on any mission. Unless his purpose is to serve up old war stories and constantly urinate himself, he serves no purpose.
This film is a guilty pleasure of mine, it’s one of those films you would never really admit to liking, let alone watch and could never watch it with someone else, unless it’s to be ironic of course.
The film has everything you need to satisfy your 80’s urges, mullets (He-Man sports a fair one), Electric keyboards and greased muscles. Wait…
I really enjoyed this film, of course it’s terrible but it knows it’s never going to amount to much and what it does it does very well. Action scenes are pretty good as is the effects, acting is OK and the film isn’t too long. There is however a large dose of cheese towards the end which suffices to say makes me glad I’m not lactose intolerant or I would be fucked before the end credits.
Let the pictures below speak for themselves. An 80’s gem worth discovering
Gallery:
Even Gwildor is blinded by He-Mans shiny torso, yes even from behind.
My thoughts exactly.
lol
Lovely. Something for the kids.
Fuck yea!
Iron Maiden also lent a hand in this film. Or its Steve Tyler out of his Gwildor makeup.
*awkward silence*
Spot the plot point.
“I HAVE THE POWWWWWWWDERED EGG. To go with my cooking oil”
Oh he’s glistening!
Still trying to figure out the audience for this film, men or women.
A shiny tit this way comes.
weeeeeeeeeeeee
“that ticklesssssssssssss!”
The cosmic key & OAP
“smiley face like strain face. Me oil pecks now”
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