When buying games for myself, I usually adopt a safe tactic. Which is to buy a game based on reviews and discussion. A simple process which has resulted in a small yet meaningful games collection for myself. Proud to own not one shitty game. However, recently I made a mistake, one of the biggest mistakes you could ever do. In fact I made two.
Buying a game without seeing the reviews and most shockingly, buying a game based on the blurb and pictures on its cover. A serious error and rookie mistake.
This is what happened with Army Of Two. A real piece of shit game which never let up.
The premise is good, you and one other AI controller player take on the world using each other to fight the enemy in unique ways and traverse the landscape using each others help.
The novelty wears off after about a minute.
Seriously, were the developers on crystal meth when this beauty came out? fucking parachuting into an enemy base. PARACHUTING! In broad daylight and not only that but right they all seem to be outside having their ciggy break. I have to parachute on top of about 20 enemy soldiers, ALL with assault rifles.
Well its a good thing the game armed me with some serious hardware. What would be the perfect weapon to use when falling from the sky at a rapid rate and flopping all over the place due to the wind? Why a sniper rifle of course you dummy! And just to make the shots more impossible to achieve, every time your hit your cross-hair moves.
Once you land in the warzone, you’re face with an endless stream of enemies, coming from every fucking angle. Its one of the first games where I thought, “gimme a fucking break” so soon into it, and it was on easy.
Blah blah, fought some more nameless foes, blah blah got through to another area, fought some more endlessly re spawning enemies whose accuracy would scare most scientists (as would their resistance to fucking bullets).
Yawn, so I get through to this area where you have to stop a missile from launching. But you’re not told is how to disarm it and where from. I retried that mission 7 times before I realised you had to place a bomb on the support of the missile. Once it went off, your treated to a nice visual display of the missile being damaged and falling over, which you cant fully watch and they forgot to switch off the enemy spawning device.
The final straw for me was fighting my way through a bunker to a room to rescue some turd. Took about 15 minutes to fight through the copious amounts of enemies, only for the same ones to try and rush that room we were in. Enemies were appearing from empty rooms and passages I knew I had cleared. And my partner? You can forget that useless fucking cunt. Useless! Only shoots when the enemy is standing on his left nut and provides no use in the game other than getting up high places.
Outnumbered, out gunned and outclassed at every turn, boy I glad I spent £37 on this fucker.
I hit pause, span around and tore the case it came in, in half. The rage had given me super strength or I was so fucking angry that I willed the case to rip. I then took my attention to the disk itself. After it exploded in my hand and covered me and my bed in mirror like shrapnel, I took a breather, and a photo, to forever remind me not to ever, ever, EVER buy any game without checking it out first.
Army of Two-Dozen pieces now motherfucker!
You might not be able to see, but I paid £37.71 for this bitch. May as well set light to it.
No comments:
Post a Comment