Dr Who watches this shit?

Not much TV on a Saturday night anymore. Remembering the good old days of a “blockbuster” movie on terrestrial TV. Which in other words was 7 years old, but it was new to us. Top classics include E.T, Flight of the navigator and Crocodile Dundee.


Nowadays however we are forced to watch the absolute drivel they spoon feed us. And without any exception to the bullshit rule is Dr Who. A programme which to this day truly baffles me in not only its popularity, but its cuntishness.

Usually not watching such nonsense, I had to endure a full 25 minutes of it due to the fact that the girlfriend’s parents had it on. It’s obviously rude to ask to turn over someone else’s TV, so I let it slide. Hoping that all the hype and talk of Dr Who would come to fruition.

Within about a minute, I was trying to eat my own head. The acting, brought tears to my eyes, and arse. The story? If in doubt, add the Daleks. They always pull in the audience figures? Right BBC?

So best sum up my thoughts, I thought I would bake a proverbial Dr Who cake. So come join in the fun and help me make a hot steaming turd.

Ingredients:
1. Take about a dozen British “actors” who you will instantly recognise but not have seen on TV for about 6+ years and are scrabbling to earn money and respect for doing such turgid eyeshit.
2. Take a script which could have only come from an 8 year old child whose homework was to write a Sci-fi story.
3. A serious shovel full of John Barrowman. He pops up from time to time and when he does, he brings all the charm and acting skills of a used condom. Must I bring up the infamous movie he was in? In which he produced one of the best lines I’ve ever heard in my life and it was delivered with no irony.

4. About 3/4 of a ton of David Tennant. The world loves him and I don’t know why. Hamming it up big time in every scene to the extreme and making me feel oddly dirty and in need of a cold shower.

Directions? Fuck it, this analogy is over.

So what made my experience so bad? Well it was how it made me feel while watching it, which was oddly creeped out. In one memorable scene, Captain Jack-Black-Sparrow and his cohorts (Which I cannot fathom out why any of those people were hired for the job. I wouldn’t trust them in wiping up my bum bogeys let alone save the world) heard a transmission from outer space which turned out to be the Daleks saying their using old washed up line, exterminate. Hearing this apparently caused serious amounts of fear to strike the hearts of the cast and myself too. In realising I had to watch more of this absolute drivel. Their “acting” in conveying the fear gave me some of the best acting of the century. If best means worst ever and century means the entire history of television. Eyes wide open and quivering lip does not emotion convey. It fact it just made me laugh out loud.
Seeing Billy Piper pop up though does entertain, but only because I’m trying to work out which part of her face is the largest. Eyes? Lips? Nose? Damn, missed a vital plot point!

What’s up with the Daleks anyway? Let’s get something clear. There is nothing, NOTHING scary about the Daleks. At all. They can hardly move, so outrun them. They have ONE weapon, so stay behind them. Yet within moments of an “invasion” everyone in London was captured. I say London, Dr Who is never filmed anywhere else or even give out the illusion it is. Everything in the galaxy, past and present will always happen near Waterloo station.

I can’t get my head around this shit. And don’t try to tell me its all tongue in cheek and not to take it seriously. If the BBC budget department take it seriously, the costume department and the actors too, then so shall I.

Oh and as for Katherine Tate? About as funny as a freshly vingegared, hacksawed bellend and has no on screen personality. So the perfect choice for David (LOVE ME) Tennant.

Avoid this drivel like the plague and anyone who not only loves it, but buys all the toys, comics, collectables and DVD’s, needs to be rounded up and subjected to powdered glass being poured into their anus. With NO exceptions.